PUMPKIN SPICE and NOT EVERYTHING NICE
I LOVE this time of year, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I love everything about it..cool crisp days, cozy sweaters, falling leaves, and EVERYTHING pumpkin..candles, pie, all the drinks, and babies. Especially this baby (captured in this pic), oh my.. Landon at only 3 months old. Look how cute but obviously not as taken with his pumpkin attire as his mamma. I have this same picture in a frame that makes its way out every October, and it makes me giggle. "Aw, the angry little pumpkin."
My angry little pumpkin is 12 now. And is still very much annoyed with my mom antics. One day I hope he will look back and think how extremely fun his mom was. I doubt it, but I can dream. As a mom, I often ponder this question, "When my kids look back, what will they remember?"
Not that long ago, 4 weeks and 3 days ago to be precise, I woke from a 3 month long depression. I will NEVER forget that day, Sept 21st. For three months prior to that, I walked around in a daze. Things that had come easy to me were a challenge, the simple task of grocery shopping became daunting. Activities that brought me joy were no longer of interest to me. My memory had faded along with my appetite and sleep. My parents drove up from Indiana out of concern. I will never forget the look of worry on my dear mom's face as I tried to choke down a bagel.. I was no longer the person her or I knew, and IT WAS TERRIFYING. I experienced such mental anquish that it became unbearable at times, and left me unable to function. Satan was in my ear, and I was having trouble drowning him out.
Trauma will do that ..it will take away your mental health. With that it also took my joy and hope. Looking back I will never forget the moment I felt HOPE again. It was in the middle of the night. Like so many nights I tossed and turned, but this night was different. As I called out to God, I heard a faint, gentle whisper, "Be patient". With joyful tears, I found peace that night. Something I hadn't felt in a long time.
It was at that point I allowed myself grace to heal. I prayed everyday for God to heal my mind. I had no idea how long it would take, but I would "be patient". I learned to trust again and rely on Him for everything I needed. On Sept 21st, He healed me. On that day, I remember waking up and for the first time in months, the darkness had lifted. I joyfully got out of bed and made coffee..pretty sure it was pumpkin spice too haha. Joy and laughter and purpose returned! God is so good!
You learn alot about yourself during pain and suffering. I learned I couldn't do it on my own. Looking back I recall laying in bed, unable to motivate myself to get out, I desperately knew that Jeremy needed a wife, that my kids needed a Mom, AND I needed a Savior. And He is all mine.
As for my children, I hope when they look back, they will recall 2019 was an EXTREMELY hard year for our family, but He has used so much of it for good and we will anticipate his goodness to come. Romans 8:28
Love, Lisa Ray