Celebrations and Depression, Oh the Irony
What can I say? Shamefully I haven't written a blog in months, MONTHS! It makes me sad to think I haven't picked up a pen, pencil, typed hardly a grateful word on my laptop in weeks. Let me tell you, it has been a rough few months, some of my darkest..
Have I been grateful? YES! Absolutely! I think in a way, that may be why it is hard for me to post this..I have been humbled by the outpouring of love and support. I'm not sure how Jeremy and I would have gotten through this traumatic time without it. So when I received my diagnosis in the beginning of this summer, it brought with it some guilt.
Late June, I was not myself, I was NOT OKAY. High emotions, anxieties, fears, the unknown, tough decisions seemed to come crashing down all at once, and I was left motionless and sick, physically and mentally. I desperately needed help. After a tearful trip to the doctor, I was diagnosed with depression. I had never felt like that before. I couldn't eat, sleep, get out of bed, even praying became difficult. I believe in a God that loves me, but I was having a hard time feeling His presence. As a Christian, can I say that I felt lost, overwhelmed, scared, angry, and was starting to doubt His goodness?
I know the enemy wants me to believe all these things. Birthdays do a good job of reminding me..He can BLEEP OFF! I love this picture! Ashlynn was 6 months old here. Something you should know about me, I love celebrating..so if you are a half year old, well that is reason enough to bake a cake ha! I love my family. I love my husband. It's his birthday today. I am so grateful that our paths crossed 20 years ago. We first met waiting tables at a Steakhouse. I like to tell of the story where I had just started working there and after a long shift, I caught him sweeping my section, peanut shells and all! He was a keeper for sure. After three years, we would say our "I Do's". Two kids and several moves to several different states later, life with Jeremy was exciting and (uncomfortable at times, as I never saw myself moving away from family and home).
The memories we have made together are priceless. Today I want to celebrate him. I want to write about how grateful I am to be his wife. This last few months have been painfully hard on our whole family. My condition has brought with it a whole new level of discomfort, one that at times have left me feeling hopeless and not quite sure how to manage. But Jeremy has been there by my side for it all.
The other day as I rode in the "Kappell Kruiser", a Blake Shelton song came on, "God gave me you." I know I have heard this song a million times, but it meant more to me that day.
"God gave me you for the ups and downs, God gave me you for the days of doubt, For when I think I've lost my way, there are no words here left to say, its true God gave me you." During this dark time, it can be difficult to feel God's presence, but I realize my feelings can betray me.. He has put certain people in my life to get me through this. They are VERY present. Jeremy has peeled me off the floor more times then I like to admit, but he never gives up on me. I know God doesn't either.
As we celebrate another birthday we both are ready to get this year behind us. At the same time, I know God will and has worked it out for His good. He has already showed us the beautiful hearts of so many new and old friends that have helped us during an uncertain time. With the help of my amazing husband, parents, sister and sister in law, family and friends I kept going, I didn't want to, but I did it for them.
Everyday has gotten a little easier. I smile and it feels good again. The other night as I was having trouble sleeping, I called out to God to take it away. As I write this, tears fill my eyes...what I heard in return, I will never forget. A gentle whisper, "Be patient." And so I will. I hope others that are battling with depression can find comfort in those gentle words as well.
Love, Lisa Ray
1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble Yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.